Papa Hamazaki
by leshamarieinuyasha
Summary: "I tear myself to shreds to prove that I'm someone I could never be."  This is for anyone who's ever felt they were never good enough. Rated T for possible suicide. Excuse the OCness.


Alright Vocaloid fans, I decided that it was about time that I got to work on another songfic.

Disclaimer: I do not own Vocaloid

Song: Family Tradition

Artist: Senses Fail

Italics: lyrics

POV: Len

* * *

><p><em>I tried to be the one that everybody loved<br>Where has that gotten me?  
>I tear myself to shreds to prove that I'm someone<br>That I could never be_

I'm five years old.

Coloring books out in front of us, my sister and I lie side by side on our stomachs. She's reached for the green crayon, where as I've reached for the blue. We're both sharing a single page. I've agreed to color in the sky while she does the grass. It's been like this since we were born. We've shared everything. Or at least, we try to share everything.

Suddenly we hear the creak of the front door. Standing in the doorway is our father. He's come home from a long day of work. Looking to Rin, we both nod in unison. Each holding a corner of the pictured we'd just colored, we walk into the hallway to greet him. Kneeling down in front of us, he examines the work on page. My sister and I, we await anxiously for his approval.

"Now which one of you colored the grass?" he's taken the piece of parchment into his hands.

"I did!" my sister is giggling. A big smile works its way across her features.

"Well done, Rin." he ruffles her hair affectionately.

"I colored the sky!" I announce pressing my finger to the page.  
>"You should try to be more careful like your sister, Len." he replies getting up from the crouched position before him.<p>

_Now these unsightly marks define me _

It'd been like this since we were born.

_So help me, please someone come quick  
>I think I am losing it<br>Forgive me, I inherited this  
>From a stranger I'll never miss...<br>I'm sick._

No matter how hard I try. Nothing ever changes.

_My father taught me first hand how to be set free  
>Give up and runaway<br>I wish I could drain out his half of blood in me  
>But I'd still have his face<em>

I'm ten years old now.

Sitting in the minivan beside one another, my sister and I await for our father to appear from inside the house. Car keys tucked neatly in between his fingers he takes to the driver's seat. He's bringing us to practice. My sister does ballet. I play soccer. Pulling out of the drive we head through the city to our designated destinations. Rin is dropped off first. With a peck on her forehead, my father promises to come watch her in a bit. With a nod she hops out of the vehicle. A wave of her hand in the air I watch from the rear view mirror as my parental unit and I pull out of sight.

Upon arriving at the field, I step out of the minivan. Suited up and ready to go, I look to my father. Without even a "good luck, son" or an "I'll be watching you from the stands" the man who'd supposed to be my role model walks off ahead of me. Quickly following after his departing shadow I reach the circle where my coach has corralled my team members. Explaining the game play to us, we head off to different parts of the green to begin practice.

It isn't until about 15 minutes into practice that I look into the stands.

"Hey, wasn't your dad supposed to come and watch you today?" Kaito is asking me this.

"He came along this time." I reply scanning faces.

"I thought I saw him head out after we circled up." Gakupo says shifting the ball underneath his foot.

"B-But...he said he'd stay the entire time." my face must look completely mortified.

_I curse reflections, everyday _

It'd been like this since we were born.

_So help me, please someone come quick  
>I think I am losing it<br>Forgive me, I inherited this  
>From a stranger I'll never miss... <em>

No matter how much I want him to be apart of my life. Nothing ever changes.

_Here is my own family tradition  
>Following footsteps into addiction<br>So is there a way that I can find peace  
>While still numbing my pain<br>Is this my fate?  
>Cause your only son still can't seem to find his way<em>

I am fifteen.

Sitting in the way back of my closet, my spine presses up close against the wall, I'm alone. My sister has a boyfriend now. Off on dates, constantly using the phone, always making plans. She never has time for me anymore. I know it's not like she doesn't care. I know she thinks about me. It's just that she doesn't have time. She doesn't have anymore time for me now than my father had for me back then. I've come to the realization that no matter how hard I try. He'll never see me like he sees my twin. I'll never be good enough in his eyes. I can never do anything to make him the slightest bit proud of me.

Sleeves rolled up to my elbows, my eyes follow the tracks tracing up the length of my arms. I was thirteen when I'd realized I was unstable. When I stole my that red exacto knife from the shed and turned the blade crimson. When I finally discovered that the only way to make the longing for approval fade away was to make my rigid form numb. It'd become routine to me. Making these unsightly marks into mind numbing scars. Forcing myself to wear long sleeves just so I could bleed out what I thought was all the hate inside of me.

_So help me, please someone come quick  
>I think I am losing it<br>Forgive me, I inherited this  
>From a stranger I'll never miss<em>.

_Cutting is a way to cope_. It's my only means of survival.

_So father where the hell are you now?  
>I think that you would be proud<br>Your son who's so unlucky  
>Fell right next to the tree<em>

Dragging the blade up my arm. I stare at the ceiling. Hoping, no, praying that my bastard father will find my lying here. Discover my slumped over body as I bleed out onto this carpet one last time. I want him to regret how he's treated me. Realize just how important of an asset he's lost. Maybe then I can finally put all of this behind me. Maybe then I can move on and into the light. Finally feel the acceptance that I've been searching for all my life.

_I hope your proud of me,  
>I hope you're proud.<em>

"LEN!" my sister is screaming my name as this world fades to black.

"S-Son?" his voice is wavering. I've never heard this tone in his voice before.

"I did this for you..." I manage to whisper as my eyes close shut.

_**Are you proud of me yet?**_


End file.
